Exploring the possibilities of forgiveness through real stories: the Forgiveness Project is a UK based charity that uses the stories of victims and perpetrators to facilitate conflict resolution and promote behavioural change.  The project encourages people to consider alternatives to resentment, retaliation and revenge and central its efforts is work with ex-offenders and victims of crime.

As well as collecting stories, the Project has created a powerful touring exhibition and runs training programmes, school events and a ‘restortative justice system’ in prisons.

Pictured above are Kate Hutchison and Ryan Aldridge. On  New Year’s Eve 1997, Katy Hutchison’s husband, Bob, was beaten to death while checking on a party being thrown by his neighbour’s son in the small town of Squamish in British Columbia. Ryan Aldridge admitted to having delivered the fatal blow and was convicted of manslaughter.  

Katy Hutchison

Less than an hour after Bob was murdered, I stood in the emergency ward beside his body, overwhelmed by a sense of peace, knowing that wherever Bob was now, it was much safer than the place he had just been. Then I went home to tell my four-year-old twins, Emma and Sam, that their Daddy was dead. I looked into their eyes and knew that I could not allow their lives to become dominated by their father’s death. I promised them and I promised myself that underneath the horror of what had just happened we would find a gift.

As for the rest of the community, the code of silence began that night. No one called the police, no one spoke out. The murder was devastating, but the silence from so many compounded the devastation. In the end I had to leave town.

Eventually, after four years, Ryan Aldridge was arrested. That same day, as I was leaving the police station, I spotted him on camera, alone in the investigation room. The police had left the tape rolling and I stood and watched him falling apart. I didn’t want to leave him.

After his arrest, police officers showed Ryan a video I’d made for him urging him to dig down deep to find the words to say, “I did this”. Four years of silence, grief and fear then fell away as he fulfilled my wish and confessed to the crime. Those words would begin the healing process for both of us. He then stunned police by asking to meet me, and so, less than 24 hours after his arrest, I found myself face-to-face with the man who had murdered my husband. As he sobbed it was all I could do not to hold him. Second to the day I gave birth, it was probably the most human moment of my life.

Some time into Ryan’s sentence I discovered an incredible organization called Community Justice Initiatives that was able to organize a Victim-Offender Reconciliation between Ryan and I. It took place in the prison and lasted most of the day: we spoke about almost everything – our lives, our hobbies, our families. In that meeting I told Ryan that I had forgiven him.

I’ve been able to forgive Ryan because of the immense sympathy I have for his mother. I understood her loss. We haven’t met yet but we write and I cherish her letters. Forgiveness isn’t easy. Taking tranquillizers and having someone look after your kids would probably be easier, but I feel compelled to do something with Bob’s legacy. I want to tell my story to help change people’s perceptions – and where possible I want to do this with Ryan by my side. I’ll never understand how our universes collided – but they did, and as Bob can’t make further contribution to society, then perhaps Ryan can. Whether victim or perpetrator, part of being human is rolling up our sleeves and taking an active part in repairing harm.

Emma and Sam have fully supported my choice to forgive Ryan, but others have asked, “How could you?” Bob’s friends especially took a long time to understand how I could move on with my life. But something happened when Bob died and I found my voice. Forgiveness became an opportunity to create a new and hopeful beginning.

Ryan Aldridge

Katy’s forgiveness is the most incredible thing that anyone has ever given me. It changed my life. There’s trouble every day in prison, offers of drugs and threats of fights, but I don’t give in. My life would still be full of anger and violence if it wasn’t for Katy.

Throughout the investigation the secret of my crime began to destroy me. 
I became depressed and introverted. I could well have committed suicide if, after four years, I hadn’t broken my silence. My family was devastated.

Having admitted my guilt, I wanted to apologize face-to-face for what had happened. So I wrote a letter to Katy and her children, apologizing for what I’d done. I also asked a police officer if I could meet with Katy. I’d read about Katy in the papers but never expected her forgiveness. If I put myself in her shoes, I think I would have hated the person who had done what I’d done to her.

The big question I still ask myself is, “Why did you do this?” And I still can’t find an answer. Doing time is easy compared to the guilt I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life. But with Katy’s forgiveness – I hope that perhaps, one day, I’ll be able to forgive myself.

“I tried to hide my tears from the other prisoners: they wouldn’t have understood why I was crying about the pain of my oppressors.”  Bassam Aramin

Like the Forgiveness Project, putting yourself in another’s shoes is a key concept behind The Empathy LIbrary. Libraries and books have always had a role to play in deepening common purpose and understanding and writer Roman Krznaric has focused on this in setting up a digital treasure house of books and films to spark a ‘global empathy revolution’. The library is founded on the belief that empathy can transform both our own lives and the societies we live in. As Ian McEwan put it, ‘Imagining what it is like to be someone other than yourself is at the core of our humanity. It is the essence of compassion, and it is the beginning of morality.’

The Empathy Library is full of recommended books (fiction, non-fiction and children’s books) and films (from feature films to documentaries and video shorts) chosen for their power to help us step into the shoes of other people and look at the world through their eyes. Visitors can browse the most popular books and films, or search by themes, or for writers and directors. The library can’t lend the books or movies themselves, but there is ample information  about them, including reviews and  links. Library members can add their own favourite items to the collection, and comment on and rate existing entries. The library provides also ideas for reading groups, film clubs, and empathy projects in schools, community organisations and workplaces.

Currently topping the empathy charts are Wonder by RJ Palacio and Mike Leigh’s Secrets and Lies.